Death: Another Thing I’m Certain I Should Talk About
February 15th, 2010 | by Theodore | Published in Edumucation | 4 Comments
Let me start by saying that while intend to write this post almost entirely in a serious tone, largely because the subject matter that inspired it is just that — serious. Last week I learned that one of JP’s preschool teachers — a young, smart, caring person who JP was wild about — died.
The school has decided not to tell the children about it; the kids will just be told the the teacher took a new job elsewhere and is being replaced by a new “friend.”
One can argue the merits of this decision, but in general, I’m neutral. I wouldn’t have been upset if they had sat the kids down and given them a long lecture on the beyond, as the research seems to suggest that kids can be told about death and withstand it. But I also understand that many parents at the school could disagree with my perspective, and furthermore, educating my child about death is my job, not the institution’s.
That said, I’m not entirely sure that a structured chat with JP will get me anywhere. I wouldn’t not discuss the issue with him if he asked, but as I’ve noted in the past, the sit-down lecture on weighty matters just isn’t my style (although when my dog is bad, I’m not shy about telling him that if he keeps fucking up, he’s going to the farm).
I’d be curious to hear from you folks out in Dadwagon land. Should I tell JP about the eternal Fellini-esque nothingness? Or keep it to myself (the teacher’s on an extended vacation)?
February 15th, 2010at 3:06 pm(#)
Keep it to yourself until you think JP can handle it. We told our 3 1/2 year old about dying in relation to the hamburger/cow he was eating. And he melted. Oooops. He still, at age 5 1/2, will sometimes become quite teary and announce, “I don’t want to die.”
February 15th, 2010at 4:23 pm(#)
I would say he is still a bit too young to explain it too him. Not that he wouldn’t understand, but like Jessie says, it could stick with him for a long time to come in a negative way. At that age, I wouldn’t see any benefit in telling him.
Just my 2 cents.
February 15th, 2010at 7:53 pm(#)
wow. I am just not for “fibbing” to kids. I can’t believe that the preschool conjured up a story that is untrue to explain this …
That said, many parents are not okay with discussing death with their kids.
Here’s my 2-bit opinion. In my experience, kids can handle death if the people around them handle it in a healthy manner. Being that my husband and I are older parents, our grandparents have all passed on, some before our kids came into our lives, and others after. My children, now ages 3, 5 and 7, have been to a few funerals. They also are exposed to the news, both on TV and radio. Death exists.
In the same way with body science information (sex ed), they ask questions when they want to better understand stuff, and show disinterest when they don’t. They occasionally bring up death, in relation to grandparents mostly, not wanting them to die. They’ve asked about us dieing, and I answer that most people live to a ripe old age, but that there are no guarantees. They have had moments of feeling sad, of feeling unsure, and we deal with those. And we move on.
Let’s face it. Life is a crapshoot.I teach my children that you can’t wait for bad things to happen and worry, or you would get nothing done, and you’d die (or get eaten by aliens, or fail a test, or whatever) anyway. Live with style and grace until you die, is my motto. And live a life of truth and honestly, to the best of your ability.
This all said, I don’t know how I would deal with this particular situation as your preschool has already set a precedent. (Quite frankly, I’d be pretty pissed about that.) If your child knows differently than the rest of the children … how is he supposed to handle this knowledge. Rock and a hard place, it seems to me.