DADWAGON

Have you ever heard of a guy named Roger Dawson? No, well, if your toddler is anything like mine, perhaps you should. He’s the author of You Can Get Anything You Want, but You Have To Do More Than Ask.

These days, everything I do with JP is a function of haggling.

“Breakfast: A Tragedy in One Act”

• JP: I’ll eat one waffle but I won’t drink my milk.
• Me: How about, you eat two waffles, but only half of your milk?
• JP: (counting on fingers) I don’t know what half is.
• Me: (pleased). Good. Then how about this? Three-quarters of a waffle, two raisins, four-fifths of the milk, and tonight I’ll read you an extra Curious George.
• JP: No.
• Me: Go to your room!
• JP eats one waffle and drinks a sip of milk. I let him watch Sesame Street.

This goes on all day and all night. It’s a cycle I don’t know how to break and am not sure I even want to break. If I can’t negotiate something out of him, I might actually get nothing. This would be bad.

So maybe this Dawson fellow can help. His book does, after all, include sections on the “Good Cop/Bad Cop” technique; the value of stalling (JP knows this one instinctively); how to protect against “unethical negotiation tactics” (does this include crying?); and of course, the dreaded “vise gambit.”

Certainly I’m not the only parent out there suffering the slings and arrows of their child’s ability to cut a tough deal. Any stories out there? Any advice? Or am I the only American father to feel as if a power struggle with his 3-year-old is a losing proposition?

I just had an awful thought: what if JP has already gotten his hands on Dawson’s book? It would explain a lot.