Yesterday, the Internet’s new favorite punching bag noted that he’s a proud resident of the Brooklyn turf abutting the Gowanus Canal. And congratulations to him! I’m sure little Sasha has a pretty good chance of growing up without sprouting feelers or tentacles. Easily 80 percent! Probably even higher. Probably.

As it happens, in my other life as a journalist–the one where they pay me–I wrote about the stuff at the bottom of the Gowanus not too long ago. There’s lots to talk about. Coal tar. Very high levels of fecal matter, and the bacteria that love them. A white ooze that appears to have evolved resistance to said bacteria.

But the best detail was that a drop of water from the canal tested positive for gonorrhea. The canal has the clap. And now that I’ve read Matt’s commentary about his friendly neighborhood street whore, I believe I know where it came from.