Dat's me.

Like Chris, I too have my mind on bad fathers today, only the bad father is me. Or really, what I am is a bad husband, if the folks at the website Kaboose can be believed.

I came across a short survey that women can take on the habits of their husbands, with the idea of determining which “popular celebrity dad” my wife (or in this case, my ex) conjured up “when [she] closed her eyes, and imagined the perfect man “gracing the magazine covers.”

In short, you answer a series of questions about your husband and at the end, it tells you which celebrity father he comes closest to being (minus the money, muscles, power, fame, etc.).

In the interests of science I decided to take the quiz.

I immediately realized this wasn’t going to be as easy as I imagined. First question was what kind of breakfast in bed your husband serves you. Here were the choices:

• A. Double shot vanilla latte, steak and eggs.
• B. Belgian waffles with blackberry syrup, a coffee, and some bacon on the side
• C. Eggs Benedict with fresh fruit salad and hand-squeezed orange juice

Now, in the seven years of misery that were my marriage (plus three living together prior to that) I never once served my wife breakfast in bed, never made her waffles, don’t know how to make a latte, and the only thing I ever considered “hand-squeezing” was her neck [legal disclaimer: this is a joke; I never considered anything of the sort]. What should I answer then? Well, I went to college, so I know what to do when stumped by a question: I answered C to everything.

This included this little sweetheart of a query: “Your man is known for being:

• A. a real sweetheart who is always there to help
• B. a hands-on dad who is talented in many ways [questions: are they implying oral sex?]
• C. a bit of a tough cookie [translation: PRE-NUP], or so it seems to others, but is really a softie at heart.

C for everything! This meant that, by the survey’s end, I appear to be the sort of man who knows karate, likes to fence, is always up for a “rocking concert,” and drives a Bentley. Score!

Once my answers were tabulated the celebrity dad I most resemble was….this guy below. Sheesh. I wonder: if I did any of the things in the survey, would I still be married? Thank God I didn’t.