Bad Dads We Love: Schmucks at the Hospital

Get out of that bed!

Get out of that bed!

Last night the girlfriend and I took a tour of the hospital where she is going to deliver the baby. Rather than bore you with my thoughts about how different it was doing this the second time around, how nervous the other first-time parents seemed, how much of an old pro I felt myself to be, I will instead pass along a little advice from Esquire magazine on how not to behave while your woman is undergoing the most painful experience of her life.

Most of these are fairly obvious: Don’t ask the doctor about the mother’s breasts. That’s rude, folks! Don’t break any vital medical equipment. That’s dangerous for baby and mother! Let the mother have an epidural if she wants one. Do you want a divorce or something?

All in all, it’s fairly amusing, particularly as they get quotes from actual doctors (not ones who slept at a Holiday Inn Express last night). Of course, from the jaded perspective of a biprocreator, I couldn’t be bothered to laugh. You newbies out there will be amused.

Bad Dads We Love: Playboy’s Deadbeat Dad

deadbeat-dad-pot-logoDid you know Playboy has a blog? Did you care? I mean, the men’s magazine hasn’t been relevant in either the pornographic world or the literary world for at least a decade, so when Hef’s crew launched The Smoking Jacket (recently? a while back? who knows?) no one really noticed.

But yesterday, the blog published “How to Use Your Two-Year-Old Child As a Drug Mule,” by the beautifully pseudonymic Deadbeat Dad, and I, at least, was thrilled. Not because I’m planning to, as the article suggests, hide my stash at the bottom of a canister of formula. No, I’m just happy that there are other dads out there with as warped a view of parenthood as we have here on Dadwagon. (Yes, it’s all about us. Surprised?) And his advice is useful: dump the bong and get a one-hitter; don’t drive stoned; and “Get as high as possible before any recital or school performance.”

More importantly, as he puts it, being a deadbeat dad is a:

state of mind, of suspended adolescence, rather, the inability to recognize the importance and responsibility that fatherhood was supposed to bestow. But it’s really more than that. In today’s child-centric, Baby Mozart universe, where our whole lives have been oriented around the supreme happiness of our little geniuses, being a Deadbeat Dad is a profoundly political act, a protest of the highest order, a statement of fact: “No, actually, I won’t get my act together.”

It’s a tough stance, and not for the faint of heart, as being a Deadbeat Dad is a little like being a bull rider. At some point, that 600-pound bull (no, I’m not calling your wife fat, I’m just making a point) is going to throw you off and gore you with its horns—i.e. words like “marriage counseling” and “trial separation.” See, then you’ve gone too far.

The key is balance, my friend, the ability to dance mid-air, to continue to do what you please without awaking the giant. Over the next few months I’m going to be giving you, dear reader, a road map to Deadbeatness. The how, what and where of being a full-time freak along with being a full-time parent. These are not mutually exclusive things in my world. Along the way, like Fight Club, you may find fellow travelers, but it’s usually a lonely road. Being a Deadbeat Dad is not easy. No one sets out to be the weirdest guy at the school picnic, or tries to take it two or seven steps too far at the Father’s Day barbecue. Hey, we’re just wired that way.

Of course, the best thing about Deadbeat Dad is that when you get tired of his stoner ravings, you can go look at pictures of boobies. They’re just one click away.

An Important Message re Young, Naked Girls

We know a lot of you have heard the recent news about Parenting Magazine—namely, that its recent newsletter inadvertently included a Full Frontal shot of a Young, Naked Girl—and are concerned that such a catastrophe might befall DadWagon as well.

“Will Christopher mistakenly give us Polaroids of his child’s genitalia?” you are likely asking yourselves. “Will Theodore’s next post accidentally show us his crotchfruit’s crotch?”

We wish to reassure you, our beloved readers. Because you are important to us. And you deserve to know how your news blog is produced. And so I say to you now: We will not accidentally publish photos of naked children.

No, if we do so—if Nathan runs a gallery of toddler butt, if Matt decides to show you all, in high-megapixel detail, just the kind of drunken slattern his Sasha has become—it will be entirely, 100 percent intentional. No interns to blame, no hasty apologies to spam you with. No, we at DadWagon are all about owning our insanity.

Shamelessness: It’s what you’ve come to expect from us, and what we aim to deliver. That, and preteen beaver shots.

The Tantrum: Is Yelling in Front of the Kids OK? Part 3

fighting

This week’s Tantrum has an obvious answer. Arguing in front of your kids was part of the recent definition of ghetto parenting, and with good reason: you don’t need to be Phil Zimbardo to realize that a child of a hostile environment may well turn out hostile themselves.

And yet, I’d like to argue in favor of arguing in front of your kids, but only if you’re eventually going to get divorced.

It goes like this: some of my earliest memories of childhood were of hellacious battling between my parents in our little wood-frame house on Virginia Street in Key West. No violence except toward dishes or dressers, if my memory serves me, but lots of shouting and argument. And, in the way that pregnant women all of sudden see other pregnant women everywhere, it seemed like every house on the block had the same rituals at night: the children were put to bed, then ten minutes or so of humid silence, and then suddenly an orchestra of anger erupting from every upstairs window.

The fighting in my house, I have since learned, was my parents trying to work on their relationship. When they gave up that hopeless endeavor—maybe I was six?–the arguing just stopped. It never occurred to us to wonder why. My brother and I accepted it, and we were a house at peace for the next four years, when our parents revealed to us in a somewhat life-changing conversation that they were getting divorced and that we were moving to California with our father.

This, of course, made no sense to us. For years it seemed like everyone had been getting along so well. But the memories of the arguments would come to save me. In the years that followed, I never once suffered under the delusion that some children have that their parents might get back together again. I never once thought it would even be a good idea. Whenever the future felt too uncertain, I had at ready recall all the images and sounds of those flammable nights on Virginia Street to remind me that the past was no better.

So to Theodore, I say, go ahead and argue with the ex-wife in front of JP. Not constantly, but just enough so that he can see and feel what a horrid a match you two are. He will thank the gods that you are no longer together, he will come to love the stresses of your custody schedule. His biggest problem will be trying to figure out what kind of idiots his parents must have been to ever marry one another. And that’s a pretty good problem to have.