• Dadwagon on Facebook
  • Dadwagon on Twitter
  • Dadwagon RSS feed

Suburban Paradise

August 3rd, 2010  |  by  |  Published in Uncategorized  |  1 Comment


As I mentioned in my post on JP’s braining I’m on vacation at my mother’s house in a southern suburban bedroom community.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I live in New York, I am in most ways a New Yorker (which is why I have no friends), and I am inordinately pleased both with my life here and with myself for living it (I’m also the most humble guy you’ve ever met). But when I do, on occasion, undertake an expedition into the wilds of flyover country, I am struck by just how fine you folks have it out here in the middle of nowhere, with your stultifying conformity, gigantic trucks, and low cost of living. It truly is an American Dream.

Is it really true that you don’t have to sleep with the school administrator to get your kid into pre-k? And that your homes come with, I think the term is…parking? For your gigantic trucks? Maybe even two of them?

Today I took JP to a place called Monkey Joe’s, which is, and I can’t think of any other way to describe it, a festival of trampolines. It was trampoline nirvana. Here is where all good trampolines go to die, to be jumped on by perfect little suburban children educated at their local schools. And at this idyllic oasis of bounciness, they had, seriously–giant recliner chairs for the parents to sit in and do abso-fucking-lutely nothing. Just sit! No helicoptering whatsoever. Instead of the parents doing anything, they were encouraged to watch a giant screen tv (set to Fox News–and I’m not making that up),while paid supervisors circulated around the place supervising the children. Dressed up like sports referees. With whistles!

Did I mention the air conditioning?  Now I’m not talking about the guilty, bullshit, don’t waste the freon, hogwash AC we’ve become accustomed to in NYC. No, I mean environmental control, my friends, frosty, fuck-the-environment-because-no-one-even-pretends-to-give-a-shit-the-whole-fucking-thing-is-made-up air conditioning.

And pizza. And cotton candy. And giant cokes with refills. And some blue sports drink called “Yummie Tummies,” which is apparently all the rage. All bought and paid for in a strip mall! With excessive parking! That never gets crowded!

God bless America.



    Don't Lose Your Marbles | DADWAGON

Leave a Response


Recent Comments

  • Dee: As one of the impressed moms there last night, and also because my kid ate 3 bowls of that bolognese, thanks for...
  • Drew Wallner via Facebook: I’m totally making this when we get back from holiday travel, I even just got a...
  • Matt: Whoops! Just put that back in. The recipe editor has been fired.
  • Ed Lilly: Looks great – thanks for posting! One question – you did not specify putting the meat back into...
  • Maks: I’m against baby yoga for sure, but want to say something regarding that author is a little wild about...

DadWagon Reads!


Do you show this to your kids?

AP Images

An unnamed gunman gestures after shooting the Russian Ambassador to Turkey, Andrei Karlov, at a photo gallery in Ankara, Turkey, Monday, Dec. 19, 2016. Turkish police shot and killed the gunman, Turkish station NTV reported. Russia's ambassador to Turkey has died after being shot in Ankara, according to Russian Foreign Ministry spokeswoman. #APPhoto by Burhan Ozbilici

Story developing: http://apne.ws/2hRY0rH

Dec 19th, 2016 7:32pm • No Comments

"They watch their mothers and fathers overdose and die on the bathroom floor. They live without electricity, food or heat when their parents can’t pay the bills. They stop going to school, and learn to steal and forage to meet their basic needs."

The Children of the Opioid Crisis


Left behind by addict parents, tens of thousands of youngsters flood the nation’s foster-care system; grandparents become moms and dads again

Dec 16th, 2016 2:11pm • No Comments

Don't forget the gift receipt(s)!

A Gift for Every Type of Dad (That You Can Buy on Amazon)


Including cricket-flour protein bars, ice-cold beer chillers, and an air fryer that uses hardly any oil.

Dec 9th, 2016 3:27pm • No Comments

As Ryu Spaeth pointed out, the only thing worse than "Papa" is the pronunciation "paPA." PERISH THE THOUGHT.


“I just think ‘dad’ and ‘mom’ are very Saved by the Bell-ish,” said Will Grose, 36, a Brooklyn father of three boys under the age of 5.

Nov 30th, 2016 5:20pm • 1 Comment