The saddest, most beautiful lede ever:

The princess birthday cake for a 3-year-old girl was one of the few things left untouched after a brawl that police said involved 75 people at a hall in suburban Cincinnati, Ohio.

Really, where do you go from there? Well, you explain what led to the fight at that notorious hive of scum and villainy, the Fraternal Order of Eagles Hall. Seems the kid’s bio-dad showed up and had some words with mom’s new beau, and as is wont to happen at a toddler’s birthday party, beer bottles began to fly. I mean, I’m sure this kind of thing happens way more often than most people would like to admit.

It also gives me some ideas for Sasha’s 2nd birthday party, coming up in just two short months. First of all, no princess cake. If there’s going to be a brawl (and there is going to be a brawl, definitely), we’ll need easy-to-launch cupcakes or, better yet, Boston cream pies. Second, rent an FOE hall. Third, no glass beer bottles. Instead, we’ll have a keg or two, which is only fair as Sasha prefers Sixpoint Ales, which are draft-only.

Come one, come all! But please, leave the gang colors at home. And no Dora—Sasha goes apeshit at the sight of her. Don’t blame me if she cuts ya.