My mother is coming to town for Thanksgiving, which can mean but one thing for JP and Ellie: GRANDPARENT BRIBERY BONANZA! Yes, good ole Grandma Diane knows better than to get around the grandkids without peace offerings in the form of clothing, books, sketchpads, candy, and, in this case for JP, videogames.

I’m a little ambivalent about exposing JP to gaming at this age (4), although I admit that ultimately it’s inevitable. I have bought him some sort-of educational computer games, which he loves, but I’ve been unwilling to go beyond that to anything Xbox, or Nintendo, or whatever the heck it’s called. (Can you tell I’m not a devoted gamer?) But my mother, alas, has no such compunctions.

In fact, early this morning I had to talk her down off the ledge from buying JP a fucking iPad, for a 4-year-old. Why doesn’t she just get him hooked on lattes, implant the tracking chip in his brain, and get him working at Wired? There’s really nothing left.

And in the meantime, she can help me flee the angry mob of parent-haters who will come after me with pitchforks if they see my little boy smashing such an expensive and coveted piece of technology to bits on the sidewalk (which he most assuredly would do). Sorry, JP, it’s a no-go. Instead he will get grandma’s now-broken iPhone.

I am so fucked.