• Dadwagon on Facebook
  • Dadwagon on Twitter
  • Dadwagon RSS feed

AssBob GrassSkirt, or How I Am Failing My Daughter

January 17th, 2011  |  by  |  Published in Uncategorized  |  2 Comments

SpongeBob's poorly drawn cousin, AssBob.

After our vacation in Los Angeles, Sasha returned to New York with dangerous knowledge—the knowledge that there exists a cartoon character named SpongeBob. Or, as she calls him, AssBob. She may never have watched the show with the sound on, but she knows he’s there, and that her mother will, on request, draw a picture of the optimistic yellow Porifera.

Last week, however, Sasha made the mistake of asking me to draw AssBob. Now, I’m capable of many things that will impress toddlers. I can put my own clothes on. I can build a house out of Legos. I can wipe my own butt, and pour myself a glass of orange juice. In that order!

But I can’t draw. At best, I can doodle, but frankly, everything I doodle looks the same—the same funny character with wavy hair, a big nose and a silly grin.

Toddlers don’t understand this. Sasha demanded, so I complied, trying hard to remember just what AssBob looked like: the baseball cap, the pointy nose, the eyelashes. Using Sasha’s Magna-Doodle, I did my best and presented it to her.

“Noooo,” she cooed, shaking her head.

“SpongeBob,” I insisted.

“Noooo,” she said again, smiling.

So, I erased and tried again. This one proved acceptable to Sasha, finally, but then Jean came home from work and saw it. I’d forgotten his tie, she said, and what had I drawn in place of pants? It looked like a grass skirt.

Yeah, well. We can’t all be fashion designers.

Anyway, Sasha hasn’t yet come to the conclusion that her father can’t draw, but that day will definitely come. As Nathan wrote last week, your child “will believe in you all the way up until that night in December 2019 when you do that thing with that thing, and then there’s antifreeze involved. Then she will realize what a putz you are. Until that happens, though, there’s going to be adoration and expectation.”

Only in my case, I think December 2019 is more likely to be December 2011. If I’m lucky.


Responses

Trackbacks

    Why journalism snobs should love blogs
  1. In the Quiet Time | DADWAGON

Leave a Response

tips/suggestions/grievances

Recent Comments

  • Dee: As one of the impressed moms there last night, and also because my kid ate 3 bowls of that bolognese, thanks for...
  • Drew Wallner via Facebook: I’m totally making this when we get back from holiday travel, I even just got a...
  • Matt: Whoops! Just put that back in. The recipe editor has been fired.
  • Ed Lilly: Looks great – thanks for posting! One question – you did not specify putting the meat back into...
  • Maks: I’m against baby yoga for sure, but want to say something regarding that author is a little wild about...

DadWagon Reads!

DadWagon

"When we met my dad at Starbucks he said I couldn’t play with his laptop but I forgot. He also said don’t fool around with his phone but I think I FaceTimed Australia. My dad sighed and published a short piece on Medium about the challenges of raising kids in the digital age."

Alexander and the V Bad, FML Day

newyorker.com

There was quinoa for dinner and I hate quinoa.

Mar 14th 2:07pm • No Comments

Knock knock.

Who's there?

The interrupting toddler.

The interr—

BBC Radio 1

THIS. IS. AMAZING. 😂

When your Dad is live on BBC News but you just can't wait...

(Via Newsbeat)

Mar 10th 4:06pm • No Comments

"They’re both making noise—sometimes a lot. They’re kids, so they do that. It looks like you’re on a date. Are you on a date? He looks like a nice guy."

Why I Sometimes Nix The Sitter And Drag My Kids To Grown-Up Stuff

rodalesorganiclife.com

Really, it’s good for them—and kind of good for everyone else, too.

Jan 25th 11:50pm • No Comments