Over at The Morning News, a former DadWagon subsidiary recently splintered off in a multibillion-dollar IPO, Marco Kaye identifies himself as a new beast in the parenthood menagerie: the Hippo Father, native to Long Island:

A lot of fathers in other states must wonder how Long Island dads raise such badass sons. They wonder why our boys are all about football, ice hockey, and girls, what it’s like at home, and if they can do it too. I’m here to tell you that even if you’ve only been to Fire Island or the Hamptons—though it’s likely you have already traded in your sack and have larger issues to contend with—you can still raise your kids the Long Island way. Here are some things my sons, Jake and Colin, were never allowed to do:

• Attend a sleepover without chicks being there, too.
• Play tennis, golf, track, swimming, or any other sport meant for girls and old people.
• Listen to that crotch-grabbing circus music popular with all the other kids.
• Not be the no. 1 student in gym.
• Paint or draw.
• Play any video game other than anything in the Call of Duty or Halo series.
• Not play Call of Duty or Halo.

Unfortunately, it’s satire, not reality. But it’s funny. So go read it.