I’m returning home today from a reporting trip in Kansas City, where yet again, my favorite midwestern rabbi has taken me on a rib-eating tour.

Perhaps the worst aspect of the traveling life here in the United States is that the complimentary newspaper of choice at most hotels is the USA Today, which even a consensus-loving insider journalist like Nathan can’t love. But I did come across this fine item on today’s front page: “Urban areas drawing young whites”

Now, I’m not going to go into the racial dynamics inherent in the paper putting that on page one. It’s a census story and the national newspapers have been splicing the data from the 2010 haul for some months now.

But a story about WHITE FOLKS LIVING IN CITIES merits placement next to the demands of the Egyptian protestors? Maybe I’m just reading too much into it, or does the USA Today really know its circulation?

Anyway, here’s my advice to the editors at USA Today: you don’t need to report on this.

Or actually you do, only not with your own people. Outsource the whole fucking thing to the white urban assholes right here at DadWagon (before anyone asks: DadWagon is accepting applications from non-white, non-urban, fine-writing assholes of any gender, sexual orientation, religion, or creed. We have but two requirements: you have to have children, and you have to have a fetish for Asian women).

You want to know why “the number of white children is growing in several large urban centers where the cost of living is high, a trend that runs counter to the decline in white youths in much of the USA”?  Ask us.

It’s a simple thing really: we’re all just dumb, pretentious schmucks who use our zip codes as a status symbol.

End of article!