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McSweeney’s: where were you when I was hiring the nanny?

February 25th, 2011  |  by  |  Published in Uncategorized

How droll!

Admittedly, Tomoko and I already hired a fantastic caregiver, and neither one of us is Anglo-Saxon or protestant, but still, this little item I found at the McSweeney’s website, titled, “Important instructions for the babysitters of white anglo-saxon protestant children,” was amusing and informational (at least in the ways in which WASPs make fun of themselves):

Roderick’s prayer is only to be interrupted with Wimbledon updates.

Do not allow Portia access to her iPad until she’s consumed her miso soup.

Quincy mustn’t dally with the stallions prior to jousting.

Maxwell is partial to the double Windsor.

Tipper requires an aperitif prior to snack time. She will show you where the muddler is kept. Be creative (but not ostentatious) with your amuse-bouche.

Everett is grounded. ABSOLUTELY NO FALCONRY!!!

As she has not yet been potty trained, see that Sage is fitted with disposable jodhpurs.

Ophelia is best admired from afar.

Only when his homework is completed is Forrest to be given keys to the laboratory.

Constance takes her milk with a dash of bitters.

Hortence sleeps soundest after a few chapters of Leverett Saltonstall’s autobiography.

I’d never heard of the author, Coleman Larkin, before, but, in keeping with McSweeney’s internet tendencies (!), he’s rather droll.

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