I am not, by nature, a jealous type. Nor am I the kind of idealistic romantic who imagines his partner could, and should, never fantasize about another person. But still, I take note whenever Jean, my wife, says she finds someone attractive. These occasions are pretty rare, but I track them, and solely to embarrass her (or is it me I’m embarrassing?), I figured I’d present you with them, then let you decide who she should leave me for.

Charlie Day: If you’ve ever watched It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, you know Charlie—possibly the single most hilarious character on TV today. Impoverished and illiterate, with a warped sensibility, a penchant for skintight green bodysuits and an autodidactic facility with the piano, Charlie is often the butt of his Always Sunny pals—forced to do janitorial work, and to live with the even more slovenly Danny DeVito—until he gets his revenge. He’s also hopelessly in love with the Waitress, who despises him (although the actress who plays her is actually his wife).

Aziz Ansari: Currently best known as Tom Haverford, a massively underachieving and somewhat solipsistic character on Parks & Recreation, Ansari won (sort of) Jean’s heart with a monologue about the nicknames he gives to food and food-related items, culminating in the line “I call forks… food rakes.” Dude is actually really funny:

Robert Reid: I’m including my old friend Robert Reid here mostly because I feel like I need a third option, but also because a long, long time ago I showed Jean a photo of Robert in Vietnam in 1997, and she said she thought he was cute. (She was not as impressed after she met him in person; sorry, dude!) Strangely enough, Robert’s own sense of humor is kind of line with these other guys, so maybe that means something. And maybe it says something about what kind of hilarious weirdo I am, too (in reality, if not in the blogosphere). Anyway, here’s some video of him:

So, now that you’ve met my rivals, let’s decide who Jean should leave me for (not that she’s going to leave me (I hope)):

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