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My Daughter, the Borg

July 1st, 2011  |  by  |  Published in Uncategorized

Go to bed, young lady!

A week or two ago, Sasha would not go to bed. For most 2.5-year-olds, this would be pretty normal. But Sasha had always actually been pretty compliant. Sure, she’d fight us on brushing her teeth and insist on being read five different books (including an Elmo coloring book with no discernable story), but eventually she’d assent to being put in her bed, tucked in, and kissed goodnight.

Now, though, she was fighting absolutely everything, from the toothbrushing to the pj’s to the overnight diaper to the final tucking-in. Even if everything else went well, she’d wind up in tears, on the floor, when it came time to actually get into bed. This would go on for 30 minutes sometimes.

Then I had an idea: lie down together. We’d turn off the lights, I’d put her in bed, then lie down next to her. Easy—and Sasha loved it! Even if she wasn’t actually asleep when I sneaked away five minutes later, she wouldn’t complain.

Well, no longer. “Lie down together” no longer works. She knows that game. In fact, she’s figured out every game, strategy, and attack Jean and I have managed to come up with over the last couple of years. She is the Borg—the semi-robotic Star Trek: TNG enemy that would succumb to, and then adapt to and overcome, each new weapon devised by the Federation. (The Borg were also totally awesome.)

Resistance is futile, the Borg liked to say, and I often feel the same way when faced with Sasha’s intransigence. Fine, let her stay up. I don’t care! But no, of course I can’t do that. Kid’s gotta go to sleep. And I know that this battle of wills is destined to make me a better, more creative parent: What will I come up with next?

No, seriously, what next? I’m actually feeling kind of tapped out at the moment. What new trick can I try? Is there a searchable database of “go the fuck to sleep” strategies I can hit up? Cuz “Go the Fuck to Sleep” most certainly does not work.

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