Sleep training—by which I mean Ferberizing or cry-it-out or various other tough-love techniques—is, to me, in a class with deep-fried chicken nuggets. It’s easy to say “For my kid? Never.” And then, at a certain point, when he’s howling and you’re exhausted, it’s incredibly tempting to just give in.
Well, we’re not. As our boy heads for his first birthday, he has never slept straight through the night. Typically, he wakes up two or three times, sometimes more, occasionally fewer. We’ve adhered to all the basic techniques, like a consistent early bedtime and calm routine involving the requisite bathtime and books. He’s otherwise happy and healthy; we’re sleepy. Especially my wife, because nursing him back to sleep is the only thing that consistently and reliably works.
So why not deploy a cry-it-out method? With all respect to my colleague Matt, I don’t buy the argument that, since he’s not forming permanent memories, he won’t suffer any long-term effects from being left to cry in his bed for hours. What about fear, attachment, the physiological stress responses? I can’t believe that won’t leave a mark, and since nobody has done studies to confirm or refute the idea, I’m sticking with my instinct, which is to say that if my child wakes up sobbing, as if he’s had a horrible scare, something’s wrong. I can’t imagine that leaving him there, scared and alone, is going to somehow teach him how to “self-soothe,” as all the books put it.
I keep coming around to the same conclusion, every time I read this stuff: There’s no benefit to a kid in any of it. Our son is certainly sleeping enough, if not in consecutive hours then in the aggregate; he’s adhering to a consistent schedule; he’s extremely energetic during the day. Sleep training is, in the end, about parental convenience and control. That’s a goal within the bounds of acceptability, especially if your family leads a life that just can’t sustain too many late-night disruptions—if, say, you work extremely long hours, or are a single parent. But don’t go throwing out “science” that “proves” it’s a good idea. I’m not having it, even if I am about to doze off on my keyboard some days.
Nice post. Good to see someone else (especially a Dad) on the same page as my wife and I.
I’m exactly in the same place as you with our daughter (10 months). She doesn’t sleep the whole night and wakes up every hour lately because of teething.
But I don’t buy this sleep training either. No other culture in the world “trains” their baby to sleep in their own bed/crib. My wife and I are proponents of attachment parenting as well so trying any of these methods makes us very nervous.
When my wife and I had twins we wondered about what type of approach to take. We had frieds who were advocates of crying it out and friends who were attachment/co-sleepers and everyone had advice for us. In the end we never really adopted an approach, and in hindsight it seems a little strange to me that so many people I know had such a well developed theory about how to best get kids and parents the optimum amount of sleep. We just did whatever we felt like doing at the time based on the circumstances and although I suppose we (parents) probably were not getting as much sleep as we would have liked, we were also not agonizing over the situation. It seems like one of issues a lot of parents overthink.
With a three year old and a one and a half year old, I can say it does get better with time, and every child is different. We refused to do the Ferberizing and the CIO. There have been good nights and bad nights. the oldest was the worst the youngest was much better. Now after working with the two side by side with the same night time routines I really believe some infants just sleep better or worse than others and no amount of training will matter. There will be better nights between development spurts and worse because of teething and other issues. You just learn to roll with it and know it does get better over time. We’re still not perfect yet but each week. The new big change was the night weaning for the youngest, since we worked on that my wife gets a much better nights rest and there are some nights me and the youngest sleep totally alone with out mommy and he sleeps through he night all the way like a champ.
Good for you in following your instincts. I wish more people did that. When they suffer because it is hard to hear their children crying it is because their instinct is telling them that they should do something about it. By ignoring it we are in fact neglecting our children.
Just because we have modern plumbing, electricity, etc. does not mean that the needs of our children change. They still need comforting, love, and attention. Those needs to not change with new technology. Just because a child is not hungry (or we think they shouldn’t be hungry), is not wet, and is “supposed” to be comfortable doesn’t mean that they are just crying for the fun of it. Human interaction and comfort is a need just like eating and breathing.
I am happy to see the POV of a father who really gets this. Yes those nights can be long but they are all over sooner than we would like to admit it. Our kids will grow up and I can guarantee that nobody will be saying in 15 years, “I wish I would have let my kid CIO more when they were little”.
This seems to be the great debate among new parents since it seems to cause the most stress/anxiety/caffeine addictions. We have a 2 1/2 year old son and we have been lucky that he has been and still is a great sleeper. My wife would argue it isn’t luck, but the principles she read in a book called Baby Wise. It served as her “Bible” for the first year of his life, but some parents who have read it disagree with it (it does have some CIO ideas, but not too harsh). The book is mostly about establishing a routine (including the bedtime rituals) which it sounds like you are doing.
Bottom line is that every kid is different and I believe that while they may not be forming “measurable memories” yet, there is so much going on in those little brains we don’t understand. Giving into their needs of being loved and comforted can’t be overdone. Giving into their demands (tv shows, crappy food, etc., etc.) at a later age is a different story for another post.
Good luck!
We’re big into the twilight feeding. Don’t feed the baby before you put them down to sleep, then wake them before you go to bed for a feeding. It gives you the extra sleep without associating nursing with sleep.
Ferber and CIO are extreme. But ultimately this is part of attaching. Your baby does have to learn that if you leave you’ll come back. There’s a difference between letting them cry it out and reinforcing that it’s time for them to go to sleep and you’re going to go away so they can fall asleep, but you’ll come back if they need you.
From what I understand from other parents who haven’t dealt with this early, it’s much harder to do with a 3 year old.
“There’s no benefit to a kid in any of it. Our son is certainly sleeping enough, if not in consecutive hours then in the aggregate;”
There’s a clear benefit to the kid when their parents are more alert during the day. Falling asleep at the keyboard? What about behind the wheel? And you certainly don’t feel as rested after non-consecutive sleep, what makes you think your son does?
At what point are you going to NOT do what the kid wants you to do when they cry? Next halloween when they start working through an entire bag of candy? When he’s a toddler at daycare and grabs toys from the other kids? When he’s 17 and wants the keys to your car and money for beer?
I agree with the commenter above about “over thinking” it. One need not be Pro or Anti CIO or Pro or Anti Attachment and let that run their entire nighttime parenting philosophy. There is a middle ground here that is what parents have been doing for forever, and that’s just responding. There is crying? respond. You have figured out why the kid is crying or what the kid is learning from your interaction during said crying? Change your tactic. Maybe it’s time to sing through the door a minute as your response, but not go in. Eventually everyone learns how to best deal with each other to maximize nurturing and minimize bad habit forming (uh, hopefully–we get up with the kid a lot, and I won’t say that I don’t worry about the habits).
There are many different ways to respond to your child’s comfort needs, depending on the child. Some children are best left to fuss for a minute on their own, because they easily go back to sleep, and going in and snatching them up, rocking them or nursing them actually wakes them up more. Some children need more help/parental intervention to get back to sleep.When they are very little they don’t know the difference between needs and wants, so you comfort them. As they get older, and there are “teachable moments” when their wants are no longer needs (like when they want to stay up past bedtime, etc.) and parents help them back to structure.
I get up with my one year old twice a night to help him back to sleep (nursing, etc.). We’ve figured out this is what works best for him. Sometimes he cries out and I can tell he’ll be okay in a minute, and lo! he is. That is also what works best for him. I trust myself to know the difference between a “I just hit that moment between sleep cycles where I’m squawking while repositioning myself and before passing out again” cry and the “come get me I need you” cry. Letting him squawk for a few minutes is not CIO, and it is essential to him learning about sleep and being comfortable going to sleep on his own.
It seems like a lot of getting defensive and getting righteous when it comes to the debate between extremes, and I think a lot more parents than we realize do something in the middle. They just aren’t on message boards, because they don’t fit in either camp? Can we just trust each other?
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I sleep trained my 13 week old using a combination of CIO with frequent checks and PUPD in intervals. Previous to sleep training, E was waking up every 1-2 hrs during the night, not napping at all during the day and would only fall asleep on my breast or in my arms. After 1 day of sleep training, he changed from a crabby, overtired baby to a happy, well-rested one. I saw an overnight change in my ability to be a good mother, wife and co-worker as well. I went from a grouchy, sleep deprived mother on the brink of physical and psychological collapse to a happier more sane person.
I’ve read every piece of research on the short and long term consequences of CIO when conducted in an otherwise loving and caring environment and am convinced that there is NO science behind any argument that would suggest that sleep training harms children. On the other hand, there is plenty of evidence that shows how sustained sleep deprivation can be harmful for both child and caregiver.
I feel passionately on the subject because I feel like I have been through hell and back. Sleep training can be the best solution for both baby and caregiver. But of course, like all parenting, it is about finding the right balance between the well-being of parents and child.
I sometimes find these discussions tiring especially when I come across parents who want to push parenting styles like a religion. For me, the needs of the family dictate what parenting philosophies I subscribe to and not the other way around.