Evil!

Here’s the way I see sleep training: Nothing works, and it’s evil. Here’s the way I see sleep training: It works, and it’s evil not to train your child to sleep. Here’s the way I see sleep training: I need sleep, and it’s evil for my child not to let it happen.

See where I’m going with this? Sleep training is a good thing if it works and you can live with it. If it doesn’t work (or you can’t handle the crying), then it’s evil and you shouldn’t do it. The decision is yours, it’s not necessarily applicable to anyone else, and frankly, the kid doesn’t have any say in it, memories or not, abusive parenting or not.

My ex and I got nowhere with sleep training JP until he was about seven months. Prior to that, all the basic techniques we were advised to use–early bedtime, bath-book-bed, co-sleep or don’t, put him down drowsy but awake–simply didn’t work. He had to be rocked to sleep, then placed comatose in the crib, and we had to leave the room silent as death or he’d wake up and bitch.

At seven months, we let him cry it out, which wasn’t much fun, but worked almost immediately. We were thrilled. Then we went on vacation.

When we came back, all sleep habits went out the window, and furthermore, JP learned a new trick–if he cried with his fingers in his mouth, he would throw up, and guess who’d come running? Us! This went on for quite a while. We searched on the Internet about it, talked to our pediatrician, consulted our inner daemons. Everyone seemed to say that this was unusual but not abnormal. We should simply keep doing what we were doing, clean him up, change the sheets, and put him back to bed, without making much fuss.

Easier said than done, but we tried.

Fact is, for about another year, we never got him down in the crib awake. Things improved slightly at 18 months when we shifted him into a toddler bed, but it wasn’t perfect. He could lie down awake, but if we tried to leave the room while he was still up, he’d freak. I’d end up standing in the dark for about twenty minutes before I could sneak out. Then he might wake up during the night or he might not. It was completely unpredictable.

JP’s pushing four now and these problems have grown hazy with time. He sleeps fine now (bath, brush teeth, book, night light, Curious George doll, song, kiss, sleep). But I haven’t  entirely got over the trauma of seeing him covered in vomit, screaming bloody murder, and weeping. I guess it’s part of the burden of parenthood. You move on but you never really recover.

I will, however, take some strong issue with what I felt was a certain air of smug complacency in Matt’s post on this topic. Like Matt, I approached sleep training “in a structured way.” In fact, I did all of the things that Matt did–only it didn’t work. Frankly, I don’t think this is a reflection on either of us as parents. It worked for him cause it worked for him. It didn’t work for me cause it didn’t work.

Now leave me alone. I need a nap.