This is not something I’ve talked about much with anyone over the past week, but what’s the point of having a blog if you can’t overshare?
Last Tuesday I rolled out of bed (and yes, I roll, apparently, instead of the perhaps more correct sit-up-put-feet-on-the-floor-and-stand). And when I did, the entire room inverted itself–the heaviest dizziness I’d ever felt. I had to grab onto the dresser to keep from falling over. It was strange, but not nearly as strange as when it happened later that morning, when I tilted my head upwards in the middle of checking out a neighborhood apartment’s ventilation shaft (we are flirting once again with relocating to a building with a working boiler). The broker showing me the apartment was somewhat stunned to see me, a sorta healthy-looking 30-something, swoon from a standing position like I’d just staggered off a flight simulator.
I am usually doctor-averse (
ironic, I know), but falling over in the middle of the day like a
Tennessee Fainting Goat is a bad sign. Even I know that spells of overwhelming dizziness are potentially signs of far more serious degradations.
So, after another couple knee-buckling (if brief) attacks, I went to the doctor on Friday. He was an peppy man with nerdy glasses and a strong handshake, and he quickly ran me through a battery of neurological tests that seemed like what the audience at a Wiggles concert might be ordered to do: touch your nose with your forefinger! Look left! Look right!
The doc decided it’s not a brain tumor or anything on that level. But until it resolves itself, I shouldn’t drive, and even simpler acts like carrying a kid on my shoulders should be avoided, because no toddler needs to hitch a ride atop some dude with a fried sense of balance. Over the weekend I’ve been looking after the kids solo (the wife is in Florida either working or playing beerpong with the rest of the Spring Breakers), and I’ve had to completely reevaluate every situation–whether on the street corner or the subway platform–just to be sure that if I fell it wouldn’t leave the kids in some perilous way.
I am trying not to read too much into this malady (which, for you WebMD users, is called Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo). But it’s not entirely unfamiliar, this feeling. Any father who gives a fuck about his kids (and not all fathers do) is going to have those anxieties. The vertigo just heightens it. Being responsible for the life of your child–whether keeping her out of traffic or making sure she doesn”t choke on grapes or lick electrical outlets–means fearing that you may falter. I spend a lot of time blustering on this blog, but the truth is that I live for my kids, and the idea of not being fully capable of keeping them safe is not a good feeling.
But we can’t guarantee to keep ourselves safe either, with or without vertigo, and that’s another unexpected level of responsibility we have toward our children. Last week, I also had to mull over whether to take an assignment to a war zone. The story would’ve be a good one, but I never could quite shake the fact that it might’ve been a selfish thing to do, something that would have put my kid’s futures and certainly their mental wellbeing at risk, should anything happen to me. In the end, the story was called off–instead I’m headed to the only-sometimes-war-zone that is Moscow. But it was yet another reminder, from the gods of medicine and journalism, that as badly as I want to guarantee that I can keep my kids safe and always be here for them myself, I can’t make any promises. The world, apparently, can just invert at any moment.
Nathan;
I’m glad you’ll still be with us. I think your blog is important as our lives change dramatically, if you care, when you have children. Maybe the bungee jumping and other dangerous things we did before parenthood were “cool” and helped define our manhood, but that’s just not the same when you have kids under your care. I’d say avoid the war zones for now and maybe write more about being a dad.
As for an illness/condition or whatever is causing your vertigo (a friend found out his vertigo was caused by something called Mueniere’s – not sure of the spelling – which he’s learned to manage without much difficulty), we obviously have NO control over that. All the more reason to cherish every moment we have as parents. AND, btw, to make sure you’ve taken care of business as far as wills/trusts and such.
Recently, in an effort to grow my own writing, I searched through a Twitter list of people under the “parenting” label. While I didn’t check the exact numbers, I’d say it was 25-1 women vs. men so we need you (and me – hey, when are you guys going to start carrying my column?) in this space.
Us dads/guys are just plain outnumbered.
bruce is right. we do need you. you’ve become one of my faves, so i’m glad to hear the story got called off.
that said, i’m not glad to hear about your medical situation. keep us posted. you’re one of the good ones…
Thanks @john. Glad the vote count stands at 2 people hope I live and 0 people hope I die (they may be the silent majority, though).
@Bruce I can sense a trend here–you want Matt to stop traveling so much and me to stop reporting from dangerous places. I hope you are prepared to hire us on over at Brucesallan.com to replace our salaries. On the plus side, Matt makes great coffee, and I excel at Google searches, so maybe we will be worth our paychecks!
Okay, the tennis can wait. My brother had a bout of this a couple of years ago. Three or four brief but severe dizzy spells within a few days. It cleared up fairly quickly (not sure if he was put on any medication or not).
Nathan: make it 3 people who are glad you’re still with us. Back in the dark ages, when I was in law school (but I went late) so I was probably about the age you are now), I had a brief bout with dizzy spells. I never went to the doctor, but did put it down to stress. I know also, that an inner ear infection can have you falling about. It mostly hit me when getting up from bed or tilting my head back — which I think points to the inner ear thing….
@teri hey, thanks! It does seem like there’s a lot of different causations for the keeling over. Of course, going to law school is its own sort of disorder, so I wouldn’t rule that out, either
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Nathan – first, I want you to carry my column on your site, as I think it would just add more to your GREAT site. Then, when the views from it reach the millions and I’m hired as Dr. Phil’s summer replacement, they realize he’s a wimp, and then make a multi-million dollar deal with me to take over – and take over the Oprah empire – then I’ll hire you guys as P.A.’s. If you’re good, we can discuss moving up to craft services!
I make little with my writing, so far, though I’m carried in 8+ countries in more than 75 newspapers and web-sites. Plus, I get “copied” in numerous others without them even asking (and I’m not talking links).
Being a writer is for me, truly, a labor of love and the “rewards” are considerable as I love it, feel empowered as a man again after too many years as just a SAHD, but it would be nice to make some real dough again!
I have a radio show that may go (no money upfront and I have to help secure a sponsor – they’re doing no better than newspapers), plus “my book” (who doesn’t have a book).
I asked Dennis Prager’s producer, a great guy (Allen Estrin) who is a friend of mine, what was the percentage of income Dennis derived from his radio show, his speaking engagements, and his writing (books and syndicated column). Naively, I thought he might actually – given his relative fame – be making some serious money from his writing (he’s written several best-seller books). The answer was 10% from ALL his writing, and the remaining 90% was split between radio income (a nationally syndicated 3-hour show that is successful!) and his constant traveling around the world giving speeches!
So, maybe I should retract my suggestion that you stay home and instead must wear protective gear?
Bottom line, I love the writing here, would love to be a part of it, would hire you guys in a minute when that fantasy becomes reality, and I’ve rambled non-stop in this comment with only a half a cup of Joe in me so far!
Oh, I’m going to post a link on my “A Dad’s Point-of-View” facebook page to your page and our exchange of comments. Hope you guys join it – we’ve been growing steadily in the less than 5 months we’ve existed. It’s been quite fun as we have members from literally ALL over the world and, how’s this for a fun discovery, we’re about 60% women on a page called “A Dad’s Point-of-View!” – so there are these articles/columns about dad bloggers emerging – I hope it’s true – but women still dominate this space.
No surprise, given our gender differences, but I was surprised a little on my page.
I have a consultant who has been helping me with my social media efforts (I wasn’t a Tweeter until she FORCED me and now I’m doing it all day – an addict) and she’s repeatedly told me to keep to one topic on my page posts. Plus, the book “SEND” a seminal book on e-mail etiquette (mostly in the work arena) also says to keep it short, on one point, and don’t ramble.
Well, I don’t care. Again, love you guys. Here’s the link to our page where you’ll be featured right after I hit “submit” comment:
http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView?ref=ts
I hope that link doesn’t bump this reply – hmmm, better copy it just in case!
Bruce Sallan
“A Dad’s Point-of-View”
Nathan;
You’re up on my page. You have 12 blogs on your blogroll – I want to be #13 – lol. I had my worst ski accident, last Memorial Day, on my 13th “run” in the half-pipe, so I guess it’s my lucky number!
For some reason I have founded an informal “dads club” at my kids’ school. SAHDs of kindergarten kids (my first went last year, my second this) seem to have more time for coffees and playgrounds, and engage in less harmful mean-girl antics than some moms.
Two of my three bro-in-laws were the SAHs before it was as “normal” as it is now … say … 26 years ago and 10 years ago, so the phenomenon is not new to me. (In fact, both of my grandmothers were career women … not sure what happened to me.)
I LOVE what you guys have to say, and the irreverence that comes with the sage and sanguine stuff on this dad blog and others. It is a relief to not be in the fraught-with-tension conversations of many (but not all) moms who are busy (a) justifying their “position” on working or staying at home (b) perfecting their critical analysis skills on other people’s parenting skills (c) shit-disturbing in the schoolyards and (d) dieting.
My three year old is currently at the home of one of my dad friends with his three year old for the morning, and spent yesterday morning with another while I visited the dentist. These guys have the same expectations as I do of their kids, discipline mine as I would theirs(even in front of me, and expect the same of me, without hurt feelings if I ask their kid to share, to stop hitting mine, blah blah.)
And so. I wanna take a moment to pay homage to the women, and the men too, who fought for womens’ rights, and made room for men to do what was previously “women’s work” as well (and sometimes better) as any chick. Here’s one thing that came out of the 60s that has really made a difference in my life.
Hey Nathan,
I had a bout of this about 15 years ago after a severe inner ear infection so I know what you’re going through. I can’t imagine going through this in my current situation though as a SAHD.
My best wishes to you for a speedy recovery. I think you know already how much I (and many others) appreciate you and all of the other Wagoneers take on the dad side of parenting.