How Not to Be a Man: Ikea Edition

September 30th, 2010  |  by  |  Published in Uncategorized  |  5 Comments


In response to Matt’s post from earlier today about how he has accepted his masculine shortcomings and let the hired help fix things for him, I would just like to say: I WILL NEVER GIVE UP!!!

I moved about two weeks ago, which has required what I consider an excessive amount of time in an Ikea buying shit furniture that I am responsible for putting together. This, to quote a blatantly incompetent colleague of my girlfriend’s, is not among my “core competencies.”

But Matt, dear all-thumbs Matt, I soldier on. With tiny allen wrenches, and hammer bruises on my thumbs, and drawers that don’t quite glide, and shelves with holes that you hardly even notice in the right light.

Am I ready for plumbing? You betcha! Am I ready to actually accomplish plumbing? Hell no! I’ll tell you that one fellow who’s convinced I’m a bona fide construction master, by the way, is JP, who most definitely knows no better—and that’s the way I’m keeping him: ignorant and worshipful.

Last. One of the dressers I put together has to have one of the shelves taken apart and redone. My girlfriend, for reasons that apparently are endemic to her gender, has been walking around the house with a smug grin on her face. Seems at some point in my recent construction phase I made a comment about maybe trying to build something other than Ikea furniture (I said a bench), and her reaction this morning: “And you wanted to build a house.”


  1. Didactic Pirate says:

    September 30th, 2010at 2:56 pm(#)

    We moved recently too — from a house we owned to a house we now rent. The best part? I’m not the guy in charge of fixing stuff anymore. Which is good because it’s been pointed out to me that I’m not so much awesome with the fixing of stuff.

    I salute you, Sir.

  2. Steve says:

    September 30th, 2010at 3:04 pm(#)

    Godmorgan is Swedish for godammit….

  3. beta dad says:

    September 30th, 2010at 4:04 pm(#)

    I’ve never had any problem putting together Ikea stuff. Of course I have a contractor’s license and 20+ years of carpentry experience. However, last night I had to give up on installing the magnetic child-safety latches on the kitchen cabinets. That I had built from scratch. In the house that I built.

    Don’t give up. Home projects are a good way to teach your kids to curse.

    Lastly, every time someone says “Ikea” on the internet, I’m duty bound to plug this video, by my semi-famous brother-in-law, who is also the godfather to my daughter. He’s the guy with no shirt on, humping the furniture.

  4. beta dad says:

    September 30th, 2010at 4:30 pm(#)

    Hmm…my comment did not post.

    The important part was that everyone should watch this video by my semi-famous bro-in-law, who is also the godfather of my daughter. He’s the shirtless one humping the furniture.


    Ikea: Norwegian for Shoot Me Already! | DADWAGON

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