DADWAGON

Before I start my diatribing, let me thank commenter Jeff, who over the weekend urged us to take up the question of babies in bars. We at DadWagon are always glad to get sharp suggestions from the outside, as they lessen our reliance on our own feeble minds and free up time to take our babies to more bars.

Of course, the only reason why we can really have this discussion at all is because of New York City’s “Ridiculous. Stalinesque. Brutal” (and completely welcome) 2003 ban on smoking in bars. In Germany, liberal politician Sabine Bätzing even took to defending Germany’s smoking ban by playing up the kids-in-bars benefits:

Pubs and restaurants are getting new customers: they’re being visited more by families with children other customers who have so far refrained from visiting because of the smoky air.

Same here. In New York’s thoroughly sanitized bar culture, the air isn’t going to hurt the babies. And they’re not going to drink any more or less than you let them drink at home.

Not that there’s anything wrong with a toddler drinking. Nico was recently making a grunt-fuss about wanting to taste mom’s wine, so he got some, on the gums, like a rock star tasting coke. His expression told me he, like our own cherubic Matt Gross, won’t be drinking until he’s 21.

That said, I am against babies in bars, for one reason: there’s a danger of cockblocking, something that no man or boy should be an accomplice to.

You see, it’s hard to meet and hook up these days. Bars are one of the few places where it can still work. Particularly in New York, which has so many well-defined microcultures–sorority girls about to do something they regret, sad drunks who smell like feces, sports addicts with empty lives, horny Connect-Four players–that you actually might meet someone with similar interests when you go out drinking.

A baby ruins all that. You may like your kid, but to everyone else, that child is a walking, whining PSA against having sex. Guys will freak out about whether that condom in their wallet might break later. Girls will look at the guys and ask themselves if they really want to run the risk–however small–of getting pregnant by him. On second thought, they’ll think, he looks like a douchebag. The opportunity for a hook-up will pass, and you, the self-congratulatory bar-parent, won’t even notice.

Meh, it’s probably for the best. You’re not having sex, so why should anyone else?