This week marked an end—and therefore a new beginning—for those of us on the ‘wagon. Theodore in particular: Newly laid-off from Harper’s Magazine, he decided to devote himself full-time to parenting, eschewing snark and sarca— Oh, wait, sorry. It didn’t quite happen that way. While he did briefly, earnestly consider whether his children would look down on his lazy, pajama-clad ass, and then pondered having them grow up to become IDF soldiers, he quickly returned to insincere stereotyping (do girls sleep better than boys?) and whingeing about how boring it is to take care of infants.

His curtailed moment of honesty, however, spurred Matt to a bit of self-examination, in which he admitted that, as glamorous as travel-writing is, he might get a job if his wife, Jean, asked him to. Elsewhere, he mused about how fighting with his daughter, Sasha, is like fighting with Jean, then praised Sasha for behaving well for exactly one day. Also, he eagerly awaited a future in which he will be able to play Jedi mind tricks on her.

Apart from his consideration of whether to get a job himself—he claims to be happiest without one–Nathan existed in a particularly (Nathanian?) universe of dreaming babies and reggaetón clowns, a cosmos where Russian mohels circumcise pullovers and there exists one, and only one, appropriate food for breakfast. (Hint: It’s cereal.) Rumor has it he’ll find the wormhole back to our reality sometime over the weekend.

Till Monday, we wish you 新年快樂! Also: Chúc mừng năm mới! In other words: Happy Chinese New Year!